Wednesday April 16th,

By Jim V. Murphy

NEW YORK (AP - New York) — With the new addition of the new CEO, Zolacorp management has decided to bring on some new hires with very diverse backgrounds.

Zolacorp’s new receptionist, Kimberly Rae Slaby. She has a Master of Engineering Degree in Electrical Engineering and Computer Science and a Master of Science Degree in Toxicology (Bioengineering and Environmental Health Division). She has years of experience of telemarketing or performing blind taste tests at various grocery stores around the country.

Zolacorp’s new network engineer and System’s Analyst, Craig Ehresman. He has responsibilities that include complete conceptualization, requirement analysis, design, and implementation of all aspects of the Intranet and WAN. This includes all Cisco switches and routers.  He never likes to keep anything closed. All containers he has will remain open.

George Andrews, Director of Marketing. George has a Master of Education (Ed.M.), Technology in Education Program, Harvard University located in Cambridge, Mass. He also has a Bachelor in Arts (A.B.), Computer Science and Education, Dartmouth College from Hanover New Hampshire. George also has in-depth knowledge of Informix-4GL, Informix-SQL, FoxPro, Delphi, dBase, HTML, JOVIAL, C, Ada, Oracle, EDI, RFID, FORTRAN, COBOL, J2EE, Visual BASIC and PASCAL. He left the programming world in pursuit of a career change. He assists Craig Ehresman from time to time. After work he is known to wind down and hang out at the local 7-11 to have a cold one.

Maria Diaz has started as the new Finance Director. She is known for covering a lot of area. She has graduated with honors from Northeastern University in Illinois and has a Ph.D. in Solid State Physics from Tufts University. Zolacorp is delighted to have Maria on board. With her credentials, there are thousands of companies that wish to employ her immediately. Fortunately, Zolacorp offered her the highest starting salary of $175,000, 3 months paid time off, and a performance bonus of $25,000 to $75,000 in December.

Tuesday April 15th, 6:33 am ET
By Mark Cotton

NEW YORK (AP - New York) — Zolacorp has been suffering incredible losses over the years and has decided to change out their CEO for a new white man to see if he can do a better job. They are going to hire Daniel Czajkowski to take this company to the next level. It was a difficult task in trying to find somebody with the credentials that Daniel has. Daniel has a lot of experience dealing with computer photos. His excellent computer skills with the ability to program in C++, J2EE, Cold Fusion, PHP, PERL, Visual BASIC and HTML made him stand out from the rest. Daniel shall be coming on board with Zolacorp with a starting salary of about $560,000 + a 20% growth bonus paid every quarter. Daniel has incredible interpersonal skills that are an asset to any corporation seeking his leadership abilities.

Zolacorp’s old CEO will be stepping down shortly. An announcement will be made public very soon by the Zolad.

Accidents are not accidents. Nobody held a gun to your head telling you to take your eyes off of the road. YOU DID SO VOLUNTARILY. So an accident is not an accident.

What right do you have to crash and make 1,000+ people late to work all because you decided to do a text message on your phone while trying to drive and instead, you flipped your car 5 times on I-95? The cops should drag you out of your vehicle and take you straight to jail and then you should be charged as a felony for causing all of those people behind you to be late to work. That hurts our economy when you stop all of those people from getting to work on time. What right do you have to do this?

Bastards. STOP CRASHING and PAY THE FUCK ATTENTION!!

This guy is gettin’ down and funky. Think he ain’t? What do you guys think about this picture?

Please leave a comment. Photo courtesy of:
LOLPix

Very worried, the mother drives to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. She makes her daughter take the test and it results are positive. The mother goes berserk.

Shouting, swearing and crying, the mother says,”Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!”

The girl, after some hesitancy, picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits down in the living room with the father, the mother, and the girl and says., “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I have to tell you all, that I cannot marry her because of my personal family situation. However, I do want to assure you that I will tak e charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa in Italy and a $2,000,000 bank account.”

“If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If they are twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, stands up, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “You fuck her again!”

I got the idea one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, “Hello.” I politely said, “This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?”

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her.

I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an asshole!” and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole!” It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I’m just calling to see if you’re interested in the Caller ID program?”

He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!”

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Can you tell me where I can see it?” “Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.”

“What’s your name?” I asked. “My name is Don Hansen,” he said.

“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”

“I’m home every evening after five.”

“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”

“Yes?”

“Don, you’re an asshole.” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

“Hello.” “You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’t hang up.)

“Are you still there?” he asked. “Yeah,” I said. “Stop calling me,” he screamed.

“Make me,” I said.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“My name is Don Hansen.”

“Yeah? Where do you live?”

“Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”

He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”

I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole.”

Then I called Asshole #2.

“Hello?” he said.

“Hello, asshole,” I said.

He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are!”

“You’ll what?” I said.

“I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.

I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 2 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

NOW, I feel better.

This anger management stuff really works

Thursday September 16, 11:10 am ET
By Mark Cotton

NEW YORK (AP - New York) — U.S. stocks moved higher Thursday, buoyed by a drop in Zolacorp’s move to appoint a new management staff. In the height and hype of the Google IPO, Zolacorp Insiders, accused of having an espionage spy that goes by the name “Septic Tank Sally” (who’s posted an extremely clandestine picture as a possible deep corporate operative)according to Deutsche Bank Security who holds much of Zolacorp Parent Holding’s Institution.

Stock took a dive on opening when this alleged operative appointed a new board of directors while Chief Executive Office, The Zolad, was in meetings in Florida. This is a possible coup with in the company but there are no bids for a hostile take over due to the MASSIVE price of each share of Zolacorp’s prices. Zolacorp closed last night at $86,190 per share, due to pressure from the new board to split the stock. A potential 15,000:1 ratio would be the largest split every recorded in Wall Street’s History.

However, despite “Septic Tank Sally’s” appointing a new board while the Chief was out, the stock is projected to possibly recover from the small dip (see chart):

Stockholders, in a frenzy of worry, send a private investigator into Zolacorp and snapped the ONLY existing picture of the new board of directors. They seemed to be very busy at work during this picture.

Immediately after the picture was released, The Reverend Jesse Jackson is expected to make a speech in front of company headquarters in Langley, Virginia Today accusing Zolacorp for not employing more indigent migrant workers at Chief Executive Officers.

The acting Chief Executive Officer as of this moment to replace the missing ZOLAD refused to answer to anything else but “Porch Balls” referring to his name. P. Ball’s 3 assistants spoke in broken Creole and said they will run the company fine so long as there is plenty of Popeye’s Fried Chicken brought into the company twice per day by Popeye’s They also demand a “40 of Malt Liquor by 2pm”

Right now, The Zolad is unavailable for comment and is expected to fly in to Virginia on his corporate Jet soon. As always, we will keep you posted. Zolad plans of having the coup-style takeover board arrested and removed and resume business immediately and this “Septic Tank Sally’ investigated. The only photo suggests he may be an Al-Qaeda linked terrorists.

The Russell 2000 index, which tracks smaller company stocks, was up 6.01, or 1.1 percent, at 574.53.

Overseas, Japan’s Nikkei stock average finished 0.2 percent lower Thursday. In afternoon trading in Europe, France’s CAC-40 was unchanged, Britain’s FTSE 100. Zolacorp caused a small bounce in the German DAX index driving it up 0.6 percent over night.

If you have a message for the Zolad, please post a comment here, Beotch.